Witch Hazel Chapter 4 part 3

Witch Hazel 

Chapter 4 part 3

“He’s a chick magnet, he’s a chick magnet and he’s calling all the chicks from the chicky chick planeeeeettt!”

“How do we get him to stop singing?” 

“Ruff ruff.”

Translation: This couch is comfy.

“Omnomnom ruff ruff!“

Translation: just chewing on this toy staring at these naked women in this painting and contemplating the duality of life.

Woah boy wth is in that chew toy?

Diego’s been having a bad day. He forgot to fill the cat’s bowl, so he did that before leaving out for the hospital. His little paper bag wasn’t cutting it anymore.

Diego has been visited by the matriarch of the Goth family. He’s partially impressed and partially alarmed. Has she heard about his conflict with the Landgraab woman? Maybe she saw him rollin’ and started hatin’ or… however that works. Diego isn’t too sure on the finer points of pop culture references.

He couldn’t tell if she was just naturally grouchy or if she was hangry. Diego knew the difficulties of being hangry so he fed her just to be on the safe side. Lions only hunt when they’re hungry, right?

“I heard you’re hip to the dark side of the Diamond.”

“Oh that awful Landgraab woman?” Diego played it cool, like he hadn’t been thinking about the conflict outside the grocery store just then. “I shoulda knocked her lights out.”

“Hm, I may have a use for you,” Dementia mused. “You see, I work in the criminal organization…”

“You’re a criminal?” gasped Diego. 

“Oh, I know what you’re thinking and trust me, our group has rules. This woman is a rogue who answers to no one.”

Diego was perplexed. “Rules? Oh, ok then. Do you have a tommy gun? What about an underground saloon?”

Dementia sighed. “This isn’t the movies, Diego.”

“EUGH! What the hell is that? Get your dog breathe out of here! God I think I’m going to vomit!”

“I can’t believe she doesn’t want my floaty kisses. How can I trust someone who doesn’t want my floaty kisses? She’d never accept my doggy kisses.”

Diego, do not lick her on the face it will not end well.

On the way into the hospital, he sees Diamond enjoying a bowl of chili by the food truck. His Nemesis. Having a good day, while he’s on his way to check himself into the psych ward.

The indignity of it.

On his way out he’s seized by that familiar, terrible feeling…. The cramping pain, inexplicable rage and the simultaneous need to burst into tears….

It’s that time of the month again.

“For the love of the magenta sunrise, this bastard reeks! I lick my own ass and I don’t smell that bad!”

“What can ee say? Ee love zee dumpsteh.”

Texting Leonardo like “I wish I could send you a scent attachment because your buddy Colin smells like a decomposing sewer and I need therapy now.”

The ferocious beast prowls for food.

“Ah yes, one cheeseburger please. Hold the pickles. Thank you.”

What a lovely night to be a wolf, out under the starry sky with a half eaten cheeseburger and a mild delusional mental instability. The only thing missing is a booty call waiting at home.

“Man this is the most ferocious butt itch. You know the kind of itch that’s way down and hard to get to and your whole body vibrates with it. It’s that kind of itch. I need some carpet to scoot my ass across right now.” 

Back at home, Diego entertains himself by playing in the fireplace. You know, because the mixing of flame and excessive body hair is always a great idea if you want to perfume your house in a way that deters anyone from ever visiting you again.

Well crap. Now the house is on fire.

Smell that? Nothing quite like singed hair to start your evening off right. I wonder what barbecued wolf tastes like.

“AAAAGGGGHHHH WHY ARE THERE SO MANY IDIOTS IN THIS TOWN?”

Well I mean the short answer to that is wolves make lots of little wolves….

“Stop playing in your fireplace you blasted nincompoop!”

“Right. Uh, you ok there? Your head looks a little… sunk into the wall. Oh you’re just smashing your head into the wall in frustration. No I’m familiar with that, a lot of my family does it, they just don’t usually…. do it backwards.”