Witch Hazel
Chapter 4 part 6
Like a champ, his first conversation in the sunny town of Champs Les Sims…. is an argument with himself. “Who are you calling a tie dyed neaderthal, you twiddling earwax eating Snarkel!?”
“Rude asshole. That’s the last time I rub one off for you before bed bed.”
Diego decided to head to the center of town and visited the relics shop first. Maybe they have interesting wares for sale.
Oh my. Who is that?
“Hello beautiful. I’m Diego, I’m here on a much needed vacation.”
“You ahe…. American, yes?”
“Nah, babe. I’m all sexy.”
“What’s a good looking woman doing in this dusty shop?"
“I ‘ave a great interest in items of antiquity. I think there is a lot to be learned from the past.”
“So you’re into dusty old relics, ok, I’m cool with that. What about fresh meat?”
“Ahe you asking if I eat my steak rare?” Diego was thinking this language barrier might be an issue. He should have probably bought a book on French.
Yeah Diego, those canopic jars are watching you.
“Oh my beautiful face.”
“Is that a pimple?”
Since he’d pretty much run out of the house on a spur of the moment vacation, it was time to get some supplies. To the general store!
“I left with the clothes on my back. You know, crazy girlfriend issues. I wanted to bring the dog but they wouldn’t let him on the plane. He bit the guard’s leg for trying to separate us. Then my girlfriend called me like twenty times while I was trying to get my passport checked. You know how it is. You have any books on French?”
“Dude, what the hell?”
“How’s things?”
“Oh, I can’t complain. You are a tourist, yes?”
“You are going to love our country, I promise. If you need anything, do not hesitate to contact me. I will give you my card.”
“So tell me, Gaston, what’s it like to live here?”
“We have a very mild climate, it is lovely almost all year round. Quite sunny, so do carry an umbrella. Oh, I must highly recommend you visit the nectary.”
“Sounds rad. Where can I camp aside from that lodge they put me in? Place is kind of a dump.”
“There are camp sites around the town, out in the country. At some point you will earn a high enough visa to buy a home here. I look forward to that day.”
Diego does too.
“DAMN YOU SUNSHINE YOU INFERNAL BASTARD!”
All the birds are now flying away from Diego’s little camp site.
“Om nomnom…” The phone starts ringing. “….nom nom nom.” The phone stops, a voicemail beeps across the screen. Another call comes through. Diego is still eating. Another voicemail.
Grumbling, he swallows and answers on the tenth call. “Hi Dementia.”
“What’s that? You’re breaking up. I-I can’t hear you!”
Onnomnomnom.
He lit a fire. His experiences with fire are pretty bad, but at least here it won’t be his house on fire.
“OOga chaka ooga chaka ooga chaka!” he danced around the flames. Diego, your mother would be ashamed of you.
He gave up on the camp site. Roughing it isn’t for him. Time to head back to the lodge where at least they have a proper bed.
He hits it off with another tourist who is a willing one night stand. They banged outside. It was pretty embarrassing. He’d better hope Dementia doesn’t get her hands on a French tabloid!
Oh boy. I’m not sure it was as good for her as it was for him.
“Hey… this stays between us, ok?”
“Yeah, it goes no further.”
“Cool.”
“Hmm what’s going on in this town? Ooh, Jules Fournier has a mission for anyone brave enough to undertake it. Well I’m his man!”
The door swings open. “Oh crap,” Jules mutters as he sees the loudly patterned shirt. “Not that guy again.”
He sent Diego on his way to a tomb on the outskirts of town. Diego is a little worried he’s being set up to be robbed by bandits. The guy wouldn’t even tell him what exactly he was after. Just kept saying, “You’ll know if you find it.”
He was on his new vespa for ages. He was contemplating having it painted a custom color when he got it home, when he arrived at his destination.
“Weird,” he muttered, looking at the ruins and the hill. He looked around but the inclement weather made him look for shelter.
“Stairs? Am I going into the lair of the 40 thieves from Ali Babba?” he said, but it was better than staying outside in the hail. Honestly, what had Gaston told him about sunny weather?
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