Witch Hazel Chapter Four Part 7

Witch Hazel 

Chapter Four Part 7

“Huh. Kinda creepy. Neat.”

“Is that refined silver? I wonder if I can get a sample off that to analyze when I get home.” 

Diego grumbled as he cleaned up the pile of rubble. “Doesn’t look like anyone’s been in here in 100 years. How the hell did that ass lose something in here?”

He cleaned out around the wall and checked out the odd pattern. Then he heard a click and a brick sunk in and the door swung open. “Zounds!” he cried.

“Gold? Don’t mind if I do.” Some light tomb raiding wouldn’t be noticed among officials, surely.

Diego scratched his ass and glowered at the rubble. How was it this run down if that stupid clerk had been in here?

How Indiana Jones of you.

“Ho ho I got it open!” Diego snuck through the wrought iron doors.

Ohh a dead guy. That’s sad.

Diego debates the morality of robbing his corpse while picking up a ridiculously over sized key stone.

Robbing him won’t affect his karma. I mean, he’s dead anyway. looting it is.

“Flerbity Gerbits, this thing is heavy!”

“Hells bells, how did he get down here if he didn’t go the way I did? What is this weird place?”

Another dead guy. “How did you all get in here?” muttered Diego.

“Hm. Carved himself an epitaph.”

Shiiiinnnnyyyyyy.

“Oh ho ho!”

“I don’t mind if I do.”

“She’s hot. I want that at my house.”

Diego got into the tomb room but he was exhausted so he pitched his tent (hehehehe) and took a nap.

“Obvously it’s supposed to be in this ridiculously shiny hole.”

“Holy shit on a shingle. I’m gonna wring his neck!”

“Hm. Kinda funny though.”

Heading back to judge him intensely.

The doorbell clanged and in walked a vibrant shirt. “Shit,” Jules looked skyward. “I was hoping he’d fall in a hole too.”

“I can’t believe you sent me crawling into a tomb that hadn’t been disturbed in a century for a flipping baseball. How the shit did it get in there?”

“No need for that look. It must have rolled into some crack in the grounds when me and my mates were playing ball on the hill.”

“You sure you didn’t just…. teleport?”

“What?”

“Nevermind.”

Inappropriate sniffing. Oh my god.

“WOULD YOU QUIT IT?!”

Diego spent some time hanging out with Gaston, telling him about the tomb and its contents. 

“That was very brave of you. The arts and history commission will be pleased to hear of this discovery.”

Also, funny videos.

“Oh you are right, it is so funny!”

Then Diego couldn’t take the tension anymore. He’d been wanting to kiss him since they first met.

I wanted to invite him over but for some reason he wouldn’t show up so Diego just had to irritate everyone in the general store with his PDA

“My god why does this need to go on here, in the general store? They’re driving off customers making out like that.”

“Tell me what you see.”

“What’s with this nonsense?”

“Trust me, I’m a scientist.” Sure he is. He’s got the rubber ducky to prove it.

“Hm. You’re holding it sideways but I think it’s boobies.”

“I hear Charlotta has a lot of cobwebs in her cave if you know what I mean.”

Rude children.

Diego took advantage of the quiet town life of Champs les Sims to finish his new book. Rise of the Thundercunts is coming to a bookstore near you!

He worked until sun up, oblivious to the ladies who had joined the room or of the stranger staring at him for hours.

That’s some serious side eye.

After finished the completed manuscript to the editor, he turns around and is surprised to come face to face with Colette Bonnet. Who, as it turns out, is a huge fan. She complimented him on Attack of the Nipplebacks and asked if he was working on a sequel yet.

“I actually just sent it off to my editor. Should be out in a month or two.”

“No way! That’s so exciting.”

“Science!”

“Cower before science!”

Colette laughed. “I thought you were going to throw that at me!”

“Nah you realized what I was doing too soon.”

Time to visit the nectary. 

“I really came here to sample your plants but now I think there’s another bush I’m interested in exploring.”

“You’re funny. The grapes are out back.”

With nothing else better to do, time to get a plant sample.

“Ha!” Now to see if it’ll actually taste like grapes or like cough medicine instead.

Time for a much deserved drink.

Back for refills already?

“Ah man I feel great!” By great he means drunk.

Swiggity Swooty he comin’ for that booty!

Diego peeked in and locked onto his target.

“DUCK!”

PAFF!

Oh, she’s been knocked silly!

She laughed it off before Diego could commence emergency flirtations.

smoochy selfies with the sidechick. Uh, one of them

“Don’t you have a girlfriend at home, monsieur?”

Diego scowled. “Piss off.”

Inspiration struck his drunk ass and he took off across the country side to visit his number one fan. 

“I know she’s in there!

Because people are always so thrilled when their extremely drunk friends show up on their doorstep and leer at them through their fancy glass doors.

err forget what I said, apparently it doesn’t apply to super fans.

Her mum joins the conversation. It’s a little odd but Diego’s ok with it. She’s a little scary looking but she’s got a rockin’ bod so he’s not complaining.

She did invite him in but I guess her mum decided it’d be better to keep to viciously drunk man outside so if he barfs he doesn’t damage the new carpets.

I think Diego was kind of standing there, pretending with all his might that he’s sober and attentive and not just drunk and massively awkward.

He finally got inside and began sniffing his new found friend vigorously. “Smells nummy!” Diego grinned.

“Ah, what are you doing? Those are very big teeth!”

“Get off me.”

“You do that again and I’ll get a rolled up newspaper to use on you!”

“Ohh you promise?”

“Diego, what are you doing?”

“Where’d you get that dirt- what are you doing?”

Diego gave her a huge grin and gobbled down the dirt.

Colette barfed in her mouth a little. Diego looks so pleased with himself. Making someone vomit is even better than making someone laugh.

Having made a great impression so far, he decides to blow her a kiss. It makes her swoon, apparently.

That look when a crazy stalker fan gets exactly what they’ve been fantasizing about while aggressively stabbing his girlfriend’s portrait.

Rather than go home like a normal person when your hosts go to bed, Diego sat and meditated to one of their candles. I always forget this mod is in there until a sim randomly starts meditating and from then on it’s like crack and they won’t stop and everyone’s crying and they’re wasting away because they won’t eat and they’re selling their neighbor’s patio set for new candles…

Author's note: this is because I have Nona's meditate by candlelight mod installed

Then Colette got back up and they did some dancing, rather than her kicking him out. Hey, every superfan hopes her idol will stalk her house like she cyber stalks him. Just inviting yourself to stay the night apparently crosses no boundaries here!

“My my what fine teeth you have.”

“would you like me to nibble on you with them?”

“Oh so much.”

~jazz music playing in background~

Having gotten what he needed from Colette, he takes off to the lake to spend his last day of vacation fishing. He rolled a wish to invite Colette over though so I’m sure we’ll see her again soon.

“Look at the legs on this one!” a very hung over Diego is fantasizing about fried food now. “You’re enough food for a whole day!”

Author's note: This brings us to an end of his first trip to France. He went back home that night and I saved and quit.